When love finally wins..

The older I am getting the more I am realizing that there’s so much about love that I didn’t know…all I knew was I wanted it but how to recognize it? how to show it? and now a days how to receive it?? I am starting to learn and I can say that honestly.

Growing up, I was raised by two parents in two different households (which didn’t bother me lol) They both were the type of parents who were providers just like their parents were to them.They both made sure that I had what I needed materialistically. They did the best they could with what they knew. I knew that my mom loved me even though she didn’t say it. My mom wasn’t the most affectionate with us, which explains why me and siblings aren’t the most affectionate people ( I am working on that, I’ve come a long way lol) despite that, me and my mom have the most inseparable bond for reasons that’s for a whole other post chile. She never made me feel less despite my challenges. I am a momma’s girl. My father on the other hand was a little different. He always told me he loved me, and was very affectionate but there were a lot of times where he would say things that made me feel inadequate, stupid.. I felt like I wasn’t good enough…maybe I took what he said the wrong way idk but that’s how I felt as a child. We have indeed come a very long way. I am far more closer to him now in my adulthood than I have ever been in my whole 30 years. I am even finding that I am more like him than I thought. I see why I was named after him lol. He calls/texts almost everyday just to see how I am doing and how my day is going. Now Im not gonna lie, it was annoying because I’m like “why does he do this everyday?!” I literally would get annoyed when he would call, but then I’m like “isn’t this what you wanted?” “every daughter wants a relationship with their father so now here you are with one in the making and now you annoyed??” “what’s this about??”. All of these thoughts were going through my mind. My dad wasn’t the only person who was trying to build a closer relationship with me.. I have a sister who I am also trying to build a stronger relationship with as well and the other day she tried to give me some legit sound advice and even encouraged me to pray about it and I got super defensive and dismissive. It wasn’t until I was praying when it dawned on me that a lot of times when you’re used to feeling unloved you don’t know when someone is trying to love on you. It’s hard to get used to. This is the cause and effect of having the spirit of REJECTION. It causes you to feel rejected, unloved, like you’re sooo misunderstood, you’re the black sheep, no one likes you and so on. The effect that it can have is that by you being unaware of the people who do love you, you build up a wall which makes you REJECT them. You think you’re taking preventive actions to make sure you don’t get hurt more than you already have but doesn’t work. I had already been asking God to take away all anger and frustration that I had been holding on to. Asking him to help me forgive those who I thought did me some sort of injustice whether it was done by word or deed. But the fact of the matter is anger is usually caused by some sort of hurt. So now, this is what I am starting to seek: healing from feeling rejected and hurt in the past. Allowing forgiveness to consume all anger …allowing people in to love on me and I on them. All it takes is the mindset of ” Not wanting to be this way anymore” and it can go from there. I remember going to see Travis Greene and he was saying how all God needs is a moment to do something in your life and I honestly believe that. That moment of ” I don’t want this anymore” and “I am ready to let it go” and that can be the start of a path of healing and understanding. I see myself maturing in many ways as a single black woman. God has his way of revealing things TO FIX things. He knows whats best for us, and in order to get the best, we have to be the best. The best version of yourself as you can be. This is preparing me for my next. I am ready to finally let love win.


A night w|the King

A while ago, there was a woman who was talking about the love of Jesus when she says “he literally wrapped his arms around me” and me & my friend was WEAK about it, I mean cracking up… maybe cause of how she said it cause sis was real emotional about it but regardless I was weak. I didn’t take her seriously. Fast forward to the present day.. tonight randomly I had decided to have a date night with myself. I lit candles, queued my playlist, heated up my leftovers (chicken breast with a garden salad) and prepared a seat for one in my dining room. So I was in my little moment when the song ” so in love ” by Donnie McClurkin came to mind. So I went to play that song and was jamming when all of a sudden in the middle of the song I stopped and burst into tears. Something came over me. Initially I noticed that I was crying but yet I wasn’t sad. I found that I was shedding tears of comfort. It was as if someone else entered the room with me. The presence was THAT strong. Then it dawned on me….HE was telling me that he was in love with me. Y’all, as weird as it sounds, I felt as if I just heard a man confessing his love to me while sitting across from me….it was such a presence and I was blown away. It’s kinda hard to explain but all the pieces finally came together. I had JUST prayed about being able to recognize him & building my Faith, I also been focusing on John 14:26 which talks about the comforter (aka the Holy Spirit), and now??? this. Again blown away. Y’all had to be there. Not only did I eat my leftovers but I also ate every single last joke I made about what that woman said smh. Tonight was indeed a treasure, a personal interaction that I never want to forget. If I had any doubt about if this is real..if going to church, reading the bible, praying was worth anything at all ??? I’m making it perfectly clear that I AM FULLY PERSUADED. No one was here with me tonight BUT HIM. I seen him for myself alone, on my own which makes this personal for me. When something is personal can’t no one take it away or change it. I love personal. I am starting to get the just of what a relationship with God is about…when no ones looking. When the church doors are closed (literally ) and your pastor and church members aren’t around. It’s a conscious decision to get close to God to see him for yourself as am I #GodBlesstheQuaratine. My thing now is I wanna remember this night as precious as it was. Not only that but I am curious as to what else is in store? the sky is the limit and I want more.


Of power, of love, and of a sound mind

This week has been a week. I call myself trying to workout from home. The youtube video I chose CLAIMED that it was for beginners but I beg to differ, left me with thighs feeling as tight as a pickle jar top so, I decided to just go for a walk twice a week lol. In my mind I have also fought off fears of what is to come, doubts of living up to the “height of being a true christian”, and even frustrations of things not going my way. I felt inadequate, that I just couldn’t deal. I had in mind just to huddle up to myself in my room…close my black out curtains and turn my phone off ..just isolate myself and throw a good ole pity party but then I just got up and started moving. That quick my mind shifted, I forgot what I went to do but just doing something took my mind away from the negative thoughts that were parading in my head..I believe I eventually went to pray which as always helped even more. I looked up at my sticky note that read ” God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power of love and of a sound mind” and I realized that this race is an everyday fight. It’s a war full of battles won and sometimes lost. Regardless of what flaws, mistakes or shortcomings we fall into, we have to get ourselves together and keep going. Me? I tend to beat myself up from time to time not giving myself enough credit. I’ m obviously a threat if satan is tryna keep me down with lies of doubts, fears and frustration. I am a force to be reckon with even in the midst of my trials and hardships #savage. I say don’t stay down forever. Know God for who he has been IN YOUR LIFE .Try to pick yourself up as fast as you can, it’s not about feeling low cause that happens IT’S LIFE ..the key is not staying in that low place. Satan has a way of trying to make us believe that we are nothing, that we aren’t made of the good stuff to endure enough to see our expected ends. He’s quite creative i’ll give him that but its temporal because of the power, of the love and of the sound mind God has given us. We can declare how things go, we can tell satan and his lies where to go and how to get there. We can keep in mind that God loves us regardless of the mistakes we make or have made and we can take back our peace! y’all the truth sets us free. Once you realize that you don’t have to keep sitting and taking whatever satan throws at you including the kitchen sink, you’ll start to fight, you’ll understand that you too are a force to be reckon with. Reintroduce yourself, you are more than a conquerer.


For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

When the wait becomes a weight

As a child, I can remember waiting FOREVER on my dad to come pick me up on the weekends. I literally would have my bags right beside me looking out the window… jumping up when I thought I heard a car pull up in my driveway made of stones. Funny thing was he would end up coming when I would find something else to do hence why at present day, we debate on why I was never ready when he finally came lol smh. I have found myself waiting on prayers to be answered, prophesies to come into fruition, my season etc. If I can be honest, waiting isn’t my favorite thing to do. I’m apart of a microwave generation that just wants it now! I feel like I been through enough struggle to appreciate everything I have so why should I have to wait while everyone else is getting theirs right? WRONG SIS. At my old church, I often heard the saying “you wait wrong you wait long”. I kinda knew what they were trying to say but of course experience sometimes is the best teacher. There were things that I did that made waiting worse, made me become resentful, full of doubt, even bitter at one point. First of all, I was paying too much attention to everyone else and what they had going on. I compared myself to others and I often felt like I was losing. It just seemed like everyone else was out here getting their careers, houses and families while I was struggling to stay above water. I felt so far behind, that I couldn’t keep up. Second, I was in no way preparing for what I was waiting on, sitting around waiting like I had the means to handle what I asked for whether it was spiritually or materialistically. This led to the final thing I did, I tried taking matters into my own hands which ……made things worse. I thought if maybe I tried to take a short cut and try to fix it all up my way, then I could get it sooner and wait less but…you can’t take the wheel away from God otherwise you’ll end up detouring. That’s what I learned. A) pray and leave your concerns at the altar, walk away believing its gonna happen when its time. B) understand that you have no control, all you can do is the best you can, stay positive and KNOW, keep in mind YOUR TIME IS COMING. C) stop looking at everyone else and focus on YOUR process, what’s for you sis is for you and what’s for them is for them. You are an individual for a reason, you have your own path. And finally, keep preparing for it, nothing moves Christ more than faith. Waiting isn’t meant to be a burden, a weight you carry on shoulders every day but more of a means to strengthen you. To show you how to endure, preparing you for the upcoming levels. Trust the process, the results will be worth so much more promise.


“All is fair in love and war”


The more my journey continues, the more my belief in Christ deepens. Today in prayer, I was praying for someone when the scripture (Isaiah 1:18) came about and I walked away from prayer with yet another nugget or should I say nuggets….one, we shouldn’t judge others because of what they have done REGARDLESS of how bad, disgusting, or morally degrading it is ESPECIALLY when now, they are trying to get it together which brings me to my next point that two, this thing with Christ is fair game, all are welcomed, forgiven, and loved. Someone who finds Christ today is entitled to what God has just like someone whose been saved for years. There’s nothing you could’ve ever done in the past that would revoke the privilege of being redeemed by Jesus Christ. Isaiah 1:18 describes sin to be as scarlet and of crimson. Both are shades of red but one is deeper than the other, one stains worse than the other but regardless, the scripture states that the red can be made as white as wool, and white as snow. Regardless of where your sin lies in the “spectrum of reds” it can be made white.. isn’t that just amazing? I don’t know about y’all but I don’t have too many people who remain THAT loving and forgiving despite of the worst things I have said or done. To me it’s good to know that he is able to clean any and EVERYTHING about me. And you wanna know what makes his forgiveness infallibly kind? while everyone else is recalling everything you have done once Jesus forgives you, he doesn’t even know what everyone’s talking about !! lol crazy right? he literally forgives and forgets. This is only one of the many reasons why I am christian, yeah I was raised as such BUUUUT.. the older I am getting, the more I am seeing Jesus for myself by myself. I see why prayer is important, it’s not just about telling him what’s wrong or asking him for a favor but you get something out of it, you get up different than you were when you first kneeled down whether you feel stronger, relieved, or even enlightened. It’s personal, something no one can ever take away.

Come now, let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

Isaiah 1:18 (KJV)

The Promissory Note

I always knew what I wanted to do with myself. On my list of priorities,  my career goal was part of the top 3 until the struggles of life pushed them down to the very bottom. The more life and it’s struggles intervened, the further away my goals and dreams drifted out of my focus. I just thought that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I even tried to make the best of where I am now, done substituted goals and was ready to just settle.I honestly wasn’t even thinking about my career goals until after bible study last night. We were talking about denying our flesh and having on the armor of God when my sister was like basically that we should occupy our minds with our goals. Ya’ll something clicked inside me. I got real emotional and it just made me realize that during this pandemic I could focus on trying AGAIN to go after my dream for the second time around, to prepare for my ultimate career goal: becoming a lawyer. I can prep for the LSAT while sitting here, I can start filling out law school applications, take a step towards what’s already mine. So after bible study y’all, that’s exactly what I started to do… my amazon cart is loaded with up to date prep books, I plan on registering for the LSAT test in October 2020 (when registration opens) and its go time. Mind y’all, I already been to law school but I wasn’t able to return (the curve was real) but you know what? that don’t even matter at this point it’s mine I don’t even care. I say this to say, that this time is perfect to reflect, to see what you truly want y’all, and start making plans so that when this pandemic is over with, we can start making serious moves. Keep trying, it’s not over until God says it’s over. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. So what, if it didn’t work out the first time..shoot even the second or third, it’s never too late. We don’t have to look at others lives and fantasize, it can be ours too!!. This sticky note is one of the things I say to myself every single day the good Lord allows. This sticky note is my “promissory note” promising myself that I will not allow any circumstance to interfere with what I want and what is mine. Life is short as we can see, why settle for what’s handed to us instead of going after our dreams making them our new reality?


Dear Lord, I been finding myself focused on what I can see, hear, and perhaps achieve, going after looks and trends that I see on social media and TV, forgetting that you allowed this pandemic to happen and not cease because you are displeased, finding any and everything to do instead of praying to you on my knees, I ask that you forgive me and redirect my focus, To abstain from worldly lusts and perhaps understand my true purpose, you are the bigger picture this I see, Help me to allow you to be my focus instead of making it be all about me Amen💜


Psalm of Mine

Being raised in a church can be a good thing, it can also come with some challenges too…

It’s a good thing because it’s your foundation…you are rooted, you can only go but so far until you HAVE to come back…not because someone told you to but because something deep inside tugs at you. You start to feel uncomfortable with where you are and how far you’ve wandered off . You know at the end of the day, it is right. It gets challenging however because if you’re not careful, you can become soooo religious, self righteous, only focusing on “doing this and not doing that”. It starts becoming more of a chore instead of a way of life, ending with you growing tired and curious of the other side.

We had bible study via FaceTime yesterday (#quarantinevibes) and it came up how getting a relationship with Christ doesn’t happen in a day. How we have to put in effort by praying and reading the bible even if it’s one verse, focus on applying that ONE verse to your life daily.

The last part of that sentence had me thinking…so tonight I turned both my TV and my phone OFF, and I sat and studied a scripture that meant so much to me( Psalms 73:25-26). It wasn’t until then, when I realized that religion says “do this and don’t do this” while a relationship with Christ explains why. This is a journey that comes with challenges but with a verse in mind, it can pull you through. I originally had a goal to read the whole bible this year but now my goal has changed. I no longer want to read the whole bible in its entirety, but I want what I read to stick. I want it to mean something to me. I want it to become something that I take and hide within me and refuse to let go. I want what I read to find me in my darkest moments and remind me that I can make it through every time.

This now has become a psalm of mine.


Just for me

For a moment, I thought that I couldn’t. I almost was convinced that I just shouldn’t. I figured I am too different which I’m supposed to be, it’s not about competition, however there’s only one me.

So how is it then, that it’s so easy to fall into insecurity, when nothing has happened that made achieving an impossibility?

It’s so easy to look at what everyone is doing and believe that you can’t do that same. In those moments you gotta fight aloud to quiet your doubts, because at the end you will be the one to blame.

Be confident in what you can do, we honestly won’t know until we try….after all, it’s only faith that can make our doubts a lie.

You can’t stop a bird from landing on your head. But you can keep it from building a nest

Dr, Martin Luther King Jr

Ready or Not, Here I come

Father in the name of Jesus,

I come casting down my heart to you, thanking you for seeing me through another day. For keeping me safe from dangers seen and unseen, for your grace and your mercy through all of my short comings and even my transgressions.

You ARE the king of kings, you ARE the Lord of Lords, you ARE my help in the present time of trouble, my way maker, my voice of reason and my strength like no other.

I come asking for forgiveness , for all sins by thought, word, or deed commission and by omission. I’m here confessing to you that I am no where near where I ought to be and that I need you to prepare me. I ask that you heal what’s broken in my heart, that you redirect my focus solely on you, take away all idols that I have put in place of you for they are NOTHING like you.

Give me strength and power during this time to seek you more than ever, not for show or fashion or to prove a point but only to please you. Give me the words to say to you when I pray to you Lord, I don’t want to just pray to say that I prayed but I want it to be pleasing to you.

Lord help me, for I cannot do this all on my own, but you Lord ARE able to do above all I may ask or think so I ask that you have mercy and that you change me oh Lord for your glory and nothing else.

I thank you for what you are already doing, For this wake up call with this pandemic I am ready or not, Lord I am coming after you

In Jesus name